Everyone deserves a vacation. Well, maybe not everyone.
Everyone loves a good vacation. After racking up hours and hours at work, you finally have the chance to relax and, if you’re lucky, get travel to a great place. But, like all things worth doing, you have to pay the price, and I’m not talking about baggage fees. Here are 13 people you’re guaranteed to run into at the airport that do their damnedest to ruin your travel experience.
Let’s start from the beginning.
1. The person that has to go through the metal detector four times.
I don’t know how people don’t understand the term “metal detector” or fail to grasp the constant voice over the speaker telling you exactly what to do, but, without fail, there is one guy that forgets to take his belt off. Oh, and then forgets the change in his pocket. Can’t bring a cell phone through? Time for him to go again. I’m sure he doesn’t know that you have some place to be.
2. The not-so-stealthy line jumper.
These guys are actually some of my favorites because they get shut down so quickly. You notice them immediately. The second your flight lady starts announcing for everyone to line up, this person weaves his way through the crowd like he’s at a concert. After successfully elbowing and shuffling his way to the front of the queue, the flight attendant delivers swift justice in the form of one simple statement: “Step aside, it is not your turn to board.”
3. The Partridge Family.
Maybe this is just a personal complaint, but I almost exclusively fly Southwest. Great company. There’s this thing that when you confirm your flight the day before, you get a number. First come, first serve. You do a tiny dance when you get in the A boarding group. Of course, after almost everyone on the plane boards, a family comes through and insists that they all sit together. This would have been fine if they were on time to “family board,” but then they would have had to skip the McDonalds and that simply can’t be done. Now a group of strangers in a row must give up the seat that they so richly deserve to this family, which is nearly impossible because almost everyone else is traveling alone and the chance of finding a nice enough person to get up is almost impossible — let alone three. Time to delay pushback by 20+ minutes folks!
4. The luggage loser.
I am somewhat sympathetic to this person. You do get to check the bag for free when you get to the plane and they deem it to be too large. However, most people do not bring their refrigerator-sized duffel all the way to the plane with the intention of checking it or making life easier for anyone else. This is where the coveted early seating is crucial, but there’s really nothing more frustrating than waiting for the guy blocking the entrance to finally give in to the fact that his 80lb bag simply cannot, and will not, be joining him on the plane.
Ok, phew. Finally take off time.
5. The drunk guy with vouchers.
The only thing worse than taking care of / entertaining one of your overly drunk friends is having to do so for a stranger. A stranger that you will stuck with for the duration of the flight. Unless you decide to get on his / her level, which you likely won’t, you’ve in for quite a flight which usually includes, but is not limited to, terrible booze smell, awful, drawn out conversation, and letting them up to pee almost every thirty minutes.
6. The audible complainer.
Yeah, buddy, we all have places to be, but I bet if you raised your voice loud enough and sign with just a tad more drama, the pilot will immediately realize that he can and should take off right away. I am not innocent of this, but at least I have the decency to text my anger to my family instead of passive-aggressively stating out loud how inconvenient it is to be running late. No one wants to run late and everyone else has places to be, too (yes even the crew that Sir Huffs-a-Lot won’t shut up about.)
7. The person that put all of their stuff in the overhead compartment.
I understand that you wanted to leave some foot room, but everyone knows how tight the isle way is. The more frequently they get up, the more often their butt interlopes right at head level. The level of discomfort is high, unless you happen to be a rapper, the woman in getting the bag is really hot, and you used your drink coupons on champagne. Boom. Music video.
8. The guy that gets way too chummy.
Now that you’ve reached the safety of 10,000 ft, you’re more than ready to put on your headphones and watch whatever you can find on whatever device you brought, but no, not so fast. The guy next to you is just hankering to turn this plane into a clubhouse and you get to be his first new best friend. Unlike any other event where large people are congregated, you literally can’t go anywhere. This trap is unavoidable, hopefully you brought xanax. Maybe coughing really loud might help, too.
9. The Overeater.
Sometimes this is out of pure jealousy, but there is always someone that is super stocked up with food. Your free peanuts pale in comparison to this guy’s smorgasbord, which is usually incredibly fragrant just to (pun intended) rub your nose in it.
Suddenly, like a voice from above, the lady on the speaker tells you it’s time to prepare for landing. Sadly, it’s not over quite yet.
10. The guy that refuses to acknowledge the “fasten seatbelt” sign.
We will never know why the landing alert seems like the perfect time for this guy to get a good stretch in, but there is always someone that requires the flight attendant to go on speaker multiple times to say “everyone must be seated.” “Everyone” being that one guy. We all know who it is, they know who they are, they are just somehow above the rules. The one positive takeaway is listening to flight attendant’s tone of voice getting audibly more and more angry at this protesting passenger.
11. The lady taking her sweet time to deplane.
Whatever is taking this lady so long to deplane, maybe she’s on her phone or deciding that now is the perfect time to get something out of her stowed luggage, will forever be a mystery. Because she isn’t visible to anyone more than two rows behind her, the world may never know. She might be a myth that we’ve personified to justify what exactly is taking so long, but that lady is the most hated woman in the world for the extra five she takes dawdling.
12. The flash.
To keep the world in balance, naturally there has to be a guy in the back row that attempts to book it out of the plane. We all get it, we want to get off too. While the slow lady is infuriating, at least The Flash provides much needed entertainment as they are seldom successful and only make it about three rows up before realizing that their bag is still back in the compartment above their seat. Their walk of shame = your laugh of glory.
So close to the finish line that you can almost taste it.
13. The linebackers.
Your vacation awaits, all you need is your checked bags. Much like puppies trying to get milk from their mama dog, it’s first come, first serve and you better believe that when people stake out their spot, they aren’t moving for anyone or anything, and certainly not you. It doesn’t matter that your bag is coming and their’s is nowhere in sight, they are not moving. You have to maneuver, squeeze, and dig your way through to conveyor belt to get your bag. And you better do it quick, because once you get to the front, you have finally made a space for yourself and you definitely won’t be moving. Better to wait for it to come back around than risk missing it again, right?